A healthier me.

So to add to my last post, yes- I have anxiety issues. Some of you are completely unaware while others of you have whitnessed it firsthand (sorry!). Bigger events in my life such as job interviews, speaking in public, Space-a'ing from country to country (ha) and so forth bring me much more stress than the average person. My heart feels really tight, my back insanely knots up, and I begin to itch and sweat (and this is coming from a girl who can run five miles through German villages and hardly break a sweat). Even daily tasks such as grocery shopping bring me great anxiety. I'm sure everyone with two small kids feels the same to some degree but I have known for a while that how I feel probably in not what the average person feels. So I decided to get help.

Along with a healthier mind and spirit is the obvious- body.

Today I attended a nutrition/weight loss class on base. It was a good little refresher! Eating "healthy" is definitely a struggle for me. My body is very much addicted to fat, sugar and carbs. I don't remember when it begin. Sometime after Dylan was born I suppose. I feel out of control sometimes and just want to eat everything in sight. And yet sometimes I am still not satisfied. I watch shows such as Heavy and I used to be fat and I really can relate to those people. I know, I know, some of you may read this and laugh because afterall It's not that I am morbidly obese but according to my BMI I actually am considered "obese". Blah- I hate that label. And people often tell me "Oh be quiet. You look great for having two kids". (1) I don't want it to be an excuse that I had two kids and (2)I know what I looked and felt like before the boys came along and I would like to be at that place again. Like yesterday. So I am working on snacking on better food such as raisins and on my portion sizes. For dinner I am eating not the healthiest of things but I am trying to just eat less of it. Little changes. Hopefully all that on top of going to Zumba three times a week will give me some results in the months to come. Wish me luck!

love and other drugs.

Yesterday I started medicine for my social anxiety. I have been pondering for months whether I should resort to medicine and after talking to my Dr. we decided it was a good idea. He also gave me a referal to see a counselor off base in hopes that they can help me deal with my anxiety when it comes on. Kyle was pretty against the idea of me starting this medicine but if it will help me calm down and relax then ultimately it's helping our marriage.

It's all about perspective.

So here I sit back at my own home. It's been about three and a half months since I have sat in this chair and it feels pretty darn good.

It's funny how although things are exactly how they used to be before we left they are completely different at the same time. Right now as a do a quick glance behind me I see (and hear- as do my downstairs neighbors, I'm sure) Tyler jumping from the couch to the floor, with about a million toys spilled over my livingroom floor. When I look down I have Dylan tugging on my legs with a whining voice that's saying "mama" and eyes that plead hold me. But, at this very moment, none of it bothers me because as stated in the very begining I'm in the comfort of my own space where I don't have to worry about all the things I have been since November. I don't have to worry about Dylan getting bit my a dog, or breaking someone tv, and I don't have to wonder about whos ear Tyler is talking off. Nope, not in this house, not anymore. I really appreciate what I have right now and hope it lasts for a while. (:

oh, the adventure.

So it goes without saying that life as a military spouse is always one big adventure-
but life as a military spouse utilizing Space-A is probably the craziest adventure of them all.

The past week has been, without a doubt, the most stressful week in two years. If I recall correctly I haven't cried hard since the day we landed in Germany which was March 30th 2009.. that was until this week. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions! One moment I was thinking there was a chance I was going home, the next I thought I was flying commerically with Kyle- back and forth, back and forth. ::sigh:: I know some of you may be thinking "So glad I don't have to worry about that" but for us, we didn't have two-thousand dollars to fly the boys and I to the States so it was Space-A or nothing. Plus, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I sure hope so.

Valentine's Day is Sunday (which makes 7 years since the day Kyle asked me to be his girlfriend) and all I want is to be in my own home, in my own bed, with the love of my life and our two beautiful boys. No chocolate, no flowers, just home with my husband. Is that too much to ask for?