Anxiety much?

Only a couple of days until I will attempt to Space-A out of here. I am able to call today to see what (if any) flights are leaving Monday..
I feel prepared, yet so completely unprepared at the same time. I'm having a hard time falling a sleep at night, and wake up in the morning with a new question I need to ask. The scariest part for me is the length of time I will have the kids, and with limited things to keep them entertained. They will be on a plane for 10+ hours, mostly confined to a car seat (depending) and then get into a car for another 6! Poor things :( Dylan doesn't particularly love his car seat either..
Just so you all get a picture of what we could be flying on, here it is..



That's a C-17. What Kyle flew on when he came back in March. Yeahhh... See the little black seats on the left side? That's what we would have to remain in obviously during take off and landing, but in between are allowed to let the kids roam around (depending on people and cargo) and sprawl out on the floor in sleeping bags. We could fly on more normal looking planes but I believe this is the most popular. We shall see.. I will keep you posted!

Thoughts & feeling about returning to the US.

Hey everyone!

So t-minus 8 or so days until I *hopefully* will be on US soil

and I think it's important to share some information, thoughts, anxities and

fears with you before we arrive..

Agenda:

The boys (Tyler & Dylan) & I will be Space-A'ing home. Space-A means

'space available' which means we board the plane when they have room

for us. This is a free flight. Because Kyle won't be with us (because

the Air Force wants him on a commerical flight) we will be a catagory

5 out of 6, so it could take us a day or two to get out. *fingers crossed

we get lucky!* We will fly from here to Charlotte, South Carolina

(10+ hour flight) and then someone will hopefully be waiting for us

there and drive us home (6 hours). With that being said, It might take

the boys and I a couple days to recover from jet lag, stress and anxiety,

and get back on some kind of schedule, so please don't take it personal

if you know we have been home for a day or two and you haven't seen us.

I haven't seen most of you in a loooong time and certainly

the first time I do I want to atleast be showered and looking somewhat

presentable, lol.

Kyle will mostly remain in Mississippi throughout the trip, to continue

more weather training. He will be able to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas through New Years though.

Who I was/who I am now:

The last time any of you have seen me (besides my mom) was one year

and seven months ago. I was six months pregnant and glowing. I was a mom to only

one child- a fairly well behaved twenty-two month old who wasn't able to communicate

yet. Fast forward to the present and I feel like I'm a totally different person.

I am busy, tired, stressed, feel overworked and underpaid.

I now have two very active children who keep me on my toes from 6am to

7pm, non-stop. They are active and rambunctious and full of life. I

have been very blessed at having small breaks from them since we have arrived

in Germany, but still find my patience for them dwindling downward, even

on my best days. I don't want to be perceived as a mean, uncaring mom during

this trip, so just know that I (as I hope is very obvious) love my little men more than

anything on this earth but have been their everything for a very long time,

and tend to lose it quickly when a situation arises.

Watching the boys:

Despite the picture I created in the above paragraph, the boys are actually

pretty good when they are seperated. Those of you who have offered

to take them off my hands, I would advise you to just take one of

them, rather then both of them. I don't want you to return stressed

and have a negative outlook on future gatherings. Trust me, the boys

are alot for me to handle, let alone someone who hasn't spent much time with them.

They both sleep through the night! And if you knew half of the people

I was friends with who have children, you would know how lucky I am

to have not only one but TWO kids who sleep completely through the

night (with the exception of Tyler waking up usually once to take a wee wee)!

With the above being said, let me add this:

I most likely won't ask you for help, but just know that I would love

a break from my kids! I would looove for someone to say "You look

like you could use a nap. Let me watch them for an hour". And just

keep in mind that no matter how the boys act, you won't see them again

for another year most likely!

Money situation:

With Kyle being seperated for us we should be getting addition pay but we

are still unsure how this is going to play out, seeing as how he will be

in one state supporting his needs, and I will be in another state doing

the same. We already live pretty tight and he might have to

activate his cell phone, which would only make things tighter.

A fear I have is not being able to provide gifts for everyone when Christmas

rolls around. In the years prior to the military the only reason we were

able to provide gifts for everyone was credit cards and now we're paying

for it. :/ I obviouslly don't expect a single gift from anyone. The best gift

to me, besides the gift that is allowing me to spend the holidays with

you all, is taking the boys for a couple of hours so I can go for a run, or

a quiet walk on the beach.. (:

I think that's about it. I feel better already!

I just want this to be a wonderful trip where Tyler & Dylan spend

countless hours giving and receiving hugs and kisses from their family

and friends! If along the way we become a burden in any way, shape or

form, please be open and honest about it. I know having people visit or live

in your house, interrupting your lifestyle, can be challenging and I don't

think holding back feelings will be healthy.

Can't wait to see you all!

Attitude.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

I absolutely love that quote. Something very similiar used to hang on my refridgerator during my high school years and I think I am going to print this one out and hang it on my refridgerator to help me through these mommy years..

So it's no secret that being a military spouse and living a country away from family is anything but easy. I think I have done exceptionally well but it is still very hard at times and I think it plays a huge role in my attitude and the way I view my life. In the past week I have had a real eye opener: I am a very lucky mom! Yes, I may have some very active boys but that's who they are and I should never look down upon that. If I recall correctly I was an extrememly active little one myself (Shea, you can second that). My boys are happy and healthy! They each sleep 11-12 straight through the night (with the exception of Tyler waking up usually once to wee-wee) and Dylan still takes 1 or 2 naps a day (3-4 hours total). Sure, Tyler wakes up before the roosters but there is nothing I can do about that so I need to accept it.

I love my children and I love my life. The end.

Feeling ungrateful. :/

So I really try not to post negative and ungrateful updates but lately I have been really questioning the hand of cards I have been dealt...

I'm currently watching two kids, a brother and sister, and it makes me sad inside to see how well behaved and loving towards each other they are.. I don't know if it's a boy/age thing, or just a Meade thing, but my boys are not at all affectionate with one another. Dylan steals everything Tyler is playing with and in return Tyler is aggresive with him. It's a constant, exhuasting battle. I was a believer that God only gives us what he knows we can handle but lately I'm not too sure... I'm hoping that by posting this I will look back on it in a year or so and remember how I felt and feel even more grateful about my 'cards'..

Home is where the heart is.

So I have remained home for the past two days (those of you

who know me well know that's rare for me) and I am discovering that I

actually do enjoy being home, and having the boys with me.

Kyle is back on day shift (for the next 10 weeks and then it's

swings for 10 then mids for 10, repeat) and slowly but surely I am finding

little things here and there to make my day and life easier..

I put in a load of lundry sometime in the evening and make sure to

place it in the dryer before we fall asleep.. then I fold in immediately after

I wake up (between 6 and 7 am), while Tyler is watching cartoons or playing.

And now that Dylan is almost* on Tyler's schedule, things have gotten easier

as far as meals go. For the last two weeks or so I have been on a kick

where I actually really enjoy planning out their meals for the week, and

trying to make them as nutritious as possible- easy for Dylan, not so much

for Tyler. I usually allot about an hour for each meal so I can prepare it

and then patiently sit with them and engage in concersation, while trying

to get Tyler to try and eat new things.

I haven't exactly changed my social status though- I have atleast one playdate

everyday this week; two on two of the days.. but almost all of them are coming

to our house, or we are meeting at a park. I realized after having short of a mental

breakdown last weekend that I go out of my way too often to please other

people. I agree to events I know only spell disaster to make them happy and

almost everytime leave in tears. I've got to start being more selfish, as

bad as that sounds.. So heres to hoping we having a week full

of fun instead of stress...

My physical health is on its way up as well. I have been enrolled in

Kickboxing for almost a month now; going twice a week. I run around

base and try to squeeze in some arobic tapes every

chance I get. I know it's going to take some time, but I am most certainly

looking for results. When Dylan turned one, as happy as I was, I also realized that

he was one and I still have X amount of pounds to lose. No more "I

just had a baby ___ months ago" excuse. Time to get my ass into gear!

Half-time is over.

So after seven long weeks of a yeast diaper rash Dylan is finally yeastless! I washed all 27 of his diapers last night and now it's game on!

I spy with my little eye..

..a Tyler and a Dylan.

(By the way- Dylan is in mid puke in the above picture ::chuckle::)

So in effort to improving our quality of life I've been putting more effort into surrounding my family and I with more giggles, laughs, smiles and hugs. We've been staying plenty busy with the many playdates and BBQs we engage in throughout the week and with the effort of spending less time on the web combined with some schedule changes at home, I am begining to see a happier, less stressful future. I just needed some time to sit down and think clearly about everything. If I had to describe the world today in one word it would be this; busy. Maybe it's because that's how I feel but then again I bet if I took a seat in Grand Central Station my opinion wouldn't change one bit- I would see person after person rushing to get from point A to point B, just as I feel sitting at home sometimes with two children. ::sigh:: Busy busy world..

Hair to match the personality.

I'm Switzerland.

To work or not to work, that is the question.

I have submitted six resumes over the course of the past four weeks and even though I have yet to receive any feedback, I'm debating my course of action if I do. I constantly go back and forth in my head on this issue and I feel like they have equal pros and cons. Although I am super stressed out more than I probably should be, I do love spending my days with my boys and watching them grow up. The days when they are well behaved I feel so blessed to be able to spend every minute with them but the days they are out of control I instantly go into "my dark hole", as I like to call it. But I suppose life as a whole has ups and downs and you just have to learn how to handle each of them. I've convinced myself that I was just simply not put on this planet to be a SAHM but some of my friends often kind comments make me think otherwise. I've been referred to as "mom of the year" and often called an 'inspiration' because of my creativity with my children. I guess if I were offered a job I could try it out and see if I'm happier or more stressed and worst case scenario just quit and be back at square one, but the effort it would take to find reliable and trusting childcare for both of the boys seems overwhelming and there is no garantees it will be worth it.

::sigh:: I just don't know..

*SAHM = Stay at home mom.

My whole world.

"My fantasy is a quiet room, where I can eat my lunch with no one touching me. And drink a Diet Sprite.”

Tina Fey couldn't have said it any better in her line from Date Night. Kyle often offers to watch the kids for a while (I know, I truly am a lucky woman) while I have "me time" and the first thing that comes to mind is walking four flights down to our basement, where I will be completely alone, and without noise. Some of you might have noticed I deactivated my Facebook. I need to figure out a better schedule with the boys, my husband, and my life, before I reactivate it. Like I posted in my previous blog, life is nothing short of chaotic lately and it's really starting to take a toll on me. It's a vicious circle, really. I hop on the computer frequently throughout the day to remind myself that I am surrounded by people who love and care for me, and that I'm not just a robot who picks up after everyone but then in return I always feel guilty for even the five minutes I may be ignoring the kids. And then there's all the repsonsibility that comes with the internet. If it weren't for me noone would even know what Dylan looks like, at almost a year old. Don't get me wrong, I love taking the pictures and uploading them but when I think of the effort I go through to keep friends and family imformed, and the lack of effort on the other end, I find myself flustered. We have lived here a year in a half (in September) and only a handfull of people know how to call us. On both of the boy's birthdays, and many other holidays we had to call most of out family and friends, so they could talk to them/us. ::sigh:: It's really easy...and it would take a LOT of the strss off of us..

A little break, please.

I don't know exactly when it happened but for months now my life is so completely chaotic. I feel like... like time is just pushing forward and forward and I can't make it stop or at least slow down so I can catch up.. to catch my breath, my sanity.. the dishes, laundry..and everything in between. Being a mother of two young kids is a completely different game than being a mother of one. And you can't believe it until you're actually living it (and no, being a daycare provide doesn't even come close either). If one child is content, the other is fussing for my attention in some way. It is a very rare occurrence that they are both happy and content for more than oh, fifteen minutes. Tyler has practically been an angel lately but Dylan is just not a happy boy lately :[ He has his second ear infection and I believe is working on his 6th and 7th tooth. He won't eat solids (again) due to this which is really driving me insane but I'm trying really hard to not let it.. All of that with a touch of separation anxiety is not a fun time. He practically stops breathing when I leave the room (even though he can almost run now), lay him down to change his diaper (which, oh yeah, he has a yeast diaper infection. Awesome.) or put him in his high chair. And when he cries he breaks out with hives all over his forehead. Look, I'm not here to complain or look for sympathy because after all, I did know how close in age they were going to be when we were trying to conceive Dylan, I'm just putting my thoughts on the screen or they don't stay locked up in this head of mine. Being a mother of two is hard. I look forward to the day when I can sleep past 6:30, eat an entire meal from start to finish or use the restroom uninterrupted. Until then.. I'll be here.

Life before kids.. What life?

Today as I sat at the park and watched my two beautiful boys play I thought about all the time and energy that goes into being a mother. Every single minute of every single day I spend thinking of the two little creatures whom lived in my body for 10 months and now roam this earth. Almost all of my energy, if not all of it, goes into thinking how I can better their lives. How I can keep them healthy and happy. It blows my mind. Really. I think you really have to be a mother to be able to understand how life as one is.. You can try to explain it to other people, even expecting mothers, but until a baby is placed into your arms and your life forever changes, you will never fully understand. Sometimes I think to myself "What on earth did I do before they came along?" (besides the obvious which resulted in their existence :smirk::) I mean honestly though, I can't even fathom anymore what it would be like go about my day with no worries in the world.
People grow old on this earth and make the choice to never procreate. They travel to different countries and climb mountains. I am sure to these people they are living life. But if you ask me, and I may be bias, "life" truely starts with motherhood. My husband once had a speaker in his college class who said something along the lines of how one can be super wealthy, the head of his/her company, has everything they have ever wanted and needed in life, but until you have procreated you have failed at the only job God has put us on this earth to fulfill. And please, I hope noone ever stumbles upon this and becomes offended by anything I have said, I understand that some people try with everything they have to bring a child into this world through every option available and still leave empty handed. For those people my heart breaks..

but really.. motherhood is just something else. It is an adventure of a lifetime and I feel so blessed to have experienced it, even if to the people without children I look like the crazy lady who hasn't showered in days and has green beans on her shirt. ;]

Wouldn't trade it for a minute!

Why hello keyboard. We meet again..

For those of you who don't know me well, I am aware of the fact that you probably think I spend entirely too much time on the internet for having two little ones, and that I don't need a blog to add to the numerous other things I do on here... but in all honesty, a blog is probably the best thing I can do for myself right now. It is a healthy way for me to express my thoughts and feelings..and save my husband from hearing all of it when he walks in the door (poor guy!). ::chuckle::

So ready, set, go... here I come with nothing but all honesty from my heart and occasionally tears from my eyes..