optimism.

I can't recall exactly when it happened but my fear of the future has almost diminished and ironically I'm feeling quite confident about what it brings.

When I wake up each morning I say to myself "Amber, you have two choices today, make it a good day or make it a bad day" but as we all know that is much easier said than done but I think it's a good thing to live by. I am going to try my hardest to really live by this for the next 6 months. I know I am going to have days where I can barely keep my eyes open as I attempt to fold the mountain of laundry that will cover my king size bed, but I will also have days where I will be in the presence of the many wonderful friends I have made over here. I have to remember the good days and have those carry me through the difficult ones..

Recently Kyle submitted his Base of Preference form. Those of you who don't know what that is, it's a one time incentive for Airmen who are reenlisting. It pretty much says "You reenlist in the military and we will try to give you one of your top 8 choices" Well we applied online and only put two bases- Patrick AFB and MacDill AFB in Florida! I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time praying we get lucky again (Germany was our #1)! So that's something to look forward to. We should know before Kyle leaves..

As far as deployments go we are actually very lucky. Kyle will be in a safe(r) area and reenlistment bonus will be tax-free. Score! Also, I have a feeling that if he had gotten lucky and not deployed over here, we would arrive at our next base and they would look at his file and say "Meade, you've been in 4 years and haven't deployed yet? You leave next month" and then I would be stuck in a new area where I know no one. So It could be worse..

There are a lot of benefits to take advantage of while kyle is gone. Dinners, free childcare, discounts, just to name a few- and you better believe I will be taking advantage of all of them! I am not too proud to ask for help.

I am trying to be proactive and come up with a routine to stick with, to help pass my days. So far I have the following (pending childcare)-

Monday: playgroup at my place?

Tuesday: Zumba in the evening

Wednesday: MOPS playgroup every other week

Thursday: Zumba in the evening

Friday: Give parents a break night!

Saturday: Cleaning day

Sunday: Church

I don't want to overbook my weeks but at the same time I don't want to be left bored and stressed. I suppose when all else fails we can spend our days outside at the park. (:

I'll keep you posted..

sad sad sad.

When my husband raised his right hand in 2008 and took an oath into the military I knew one day our time would come when we would have to kiss each other goodbye for many months... well, our time has come.

We received notice that Kyle will leave sometime next month for a 6 to 7 month deployment. I know it happens everyday but when it happened to me it was like everything stopped moving in the world for a brief moment. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and I felt cold and sick. I'm trying to remain optimistic but I keep hearing this little voice in my head that says "you're losing your best friend for over a half of a year" and then I feel really sad again. What also makes me sad is what the boys (especially Tyler) will think. Will they think he walked out of their life? Or will they understand when I say "Daddy is at work, far far away" every single morning when they wake up and he isn't here. So many things are running through my head.. choices, ideas, questions.. I am sure in time I will sort everything out but as of right now- chaos.

I am an exceptionally strong human being and I know with confidence that I will pull through this but at this very moment I feel incomplete and with the weight of the world on my shoulders. And I know there are thousands of other wives whose husband are working in more dangerous countries and jobs but I still just feel... sad. Sad sad sad.

I've learned in life that you realize who your good friends are when big events happen- babies, wedding, divorce (so I've heard).. but I have also learned to not set expectations for people because that usually leads to them letting you down, so we will see how this whole thing goes because as strong as I am, the fact is I am living in a different country, with little to no help, where everything you can imagine is different from what I am used to. If there has ever been a time when I needed people's support the most, this would be it.

One day at a time.. one day at a time..

-Amber Nicole.